Nothing is Scary Anymore Except Real Life Part 4: Eastern State Penitentiary

 Before the end times were upon us, I was walking around Copenhagen with my friend Peter. Peter grew up in Copenhagen and he knew I liked old stuff. He pointed out his university and informed me that when he was attending they celebrated their 800th birthday. For someone like myself who loves old cities, that’s a flex. I’m a sucker for a cobblestone street or a cafe with paneling made from a kind of oak that has long gone extinct. Narrow walkways, gas lamps, gimme all that shit. 

Why do I like old cities? Because I grew up next to Chicago and nothing is allowed to get old in Chicago. The mayors have torn down countless historic buildings like chubby, little Godzillas in 3 piece suits. Developers are transforming classic brick facades into modernist abominations best described as “gentrification chic”. Shit, they couldn’t even leave the Chicago River alone. They looked at it and were like, “Naw son, let’s make it go the other way.” Add in the fact that Chicago is a relatively young city then add in the fact that a large portion was destroyed by a fire and you end up with a city filled mostly with modern masterpieces like the Sears Tower, Aqua Tower, and the Shit Fountain.

This is why I’m drawn to cities out East: you can still find old stuff in various stages of preservation. And most of that shit is haunted.

When I had the opportunity to go back to Philadelphia for a presentation I was stoked. I fucking love Philadelphia. I feel like every time I leave without getting the shit kicked out of me is a victory. It’s not that Philadelphia is a rough city, it just seems to be the kind of city with a low tolerance for bullshit behavior. 

I had been to Philadelphia a couple of times before and I’ve slowly checked off some of the most popular spots. And no, I didn’t reserve a spot to walk up to the Liberty Bell but I did peek in through the window to catch a glimpse which is just as good. 

I was back to present at a conference at U Penn. The conference ended at noon and we didn’t have to fly home until 8:00 pm that evening. My girlfriend came with me and spent the day sightseeing while I worked because she already has to deal with enough of my bullshit at home.

I took a Lyft to meet her at the Barnes Foundation, a controversial yet stunning art museum on Franklin Parkway. If you like art museums you can go to Barnes, walk down the street to the Rodin Museum, then keep walking until you hit the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. I’ve skipped the Rodin Museum but Barnes and the Philadelphia Art Museum are must-sees.

Knowing we had limited time we focused on one structure in particular that we had yet to visit. An abandoned, castle-like structure that despite taking up almost 6 blocks of prime real estate within walking distance of downtown still stands. We wanted to get locked up at the Eastern State Penitentiary (ESP).

Walking up to the prison is a bizarre experience. You walk through a neighborhood filled with single-family, Victorian homes then all of a sudden there is a giant, blackened, concrete wall. I’m not sure which came first, the prison or the hood. It reminded me of the neighborhood surrounding Wrigley Field, only one of those buildings is where dreams go die and the other is a prison.

The main entrance is on the south side of the prison. Once inside you shuffle past the gift shop to purchase your tour. They do have guided tours but the only thing available at the time was the audio tour. I usually avoid audio tours. Why? I like to move quickly through museums and I’m a cheap bastard who doesn’t like to pay for extras. In this case, I didn’t know much about the prison and it was free so why not?

The ESP was built in 1829 and remained in operation until 1971. At the time of its construction, it was the most expensive prison in the world. The ESP was praised for its humanitarian method of imprisonment which is wild because it was an extremely isolated and dehumanizing experience. Inmates never interacted with each other and when they were removed from their cells they wore hoods so no one would recognize them. They were not allowed to talk, sing, or hum. If you started beatboxing you were burned as a witch. 

Punk Rock Girl Video

It was built in a “hub and spoke” style that allowed guards in the middle to have constant surveillance of all the cell blocks. If you watched MTV in the late 80’s/early 90’s you may recognize the hub from the video for “Punk Rock Girl” by the Philadelphia band The Dead Milkmen. 

Eventually, the prison became overcrowded as prisons are wont to do. As a result, more buildings were jammed in a haphazard fashion creating an even more claustrophobic effect. It’s like a maze with dead ends and dark corners. I’ve never been locked up but I’ve seen enough episodes of Scared Straight to know that those are the places where bad stuff happens.

How do I know all of these amazing facts? Well, I am smart as shit. However, this time it was because of the audio tour which was narrated by actor Steve Buscemi. Why New York native Steve Buscemi? I do not know. Al Capone has a cell here so maybe they were looking for a Boardwalk Empire tie-in. Whatever the reason, the dulcet tone of Steve Buscemi’s voice is as soothing as it is informative.

The ESP is known as a preserved ruin. They will never fully restore it, but they want it to be safe enough for visitors. Most of the prison is falling apart in a way that makes it an Instagram picture-perfect depiction of a majorly haunted building. Some cells are piles of crumbled stone and brickwork laying next to a rusted bed frame. The paint is peeling off of the bars like a Flea Market Flip project gone horribly off the rails.

Though Al Capone stayed for only 7 months, his cell is a celebrated highlight on the tour. While most cells had basic furnishings, Capone’s had imported rugs, a radio, and a writing desk. At the time of our visit, the furniture was there but the walls and ceiling were deteriorating. Since then the cell has been cleaned, remodeled, and made to look how it did when he was there. 

Capone Cell Pre-Reno

Like Capone’s cell, some parts of the prison have been totally remodeled to let you know what it looked like back in the day. It’s stark, yo. Everything is white and lit by a tiny skylight. It’s still horrifying but at least you don’t have to worry about tetanus. 

Okay, y’all don’t care about this stuff. You wanna hear about the ghosts.

If any building deserves to be haunted, ESP is certainly in the top 10. Over 75,000 humans have been incarcerated in its walls. The psychological and physical abuse inflicted upon them is difficult to imagine. Add in the beatings and murders committed by both inmates and guards and you’ve got the perfect recipe for ghostly encounters.

The most haunted section of the prison is supposed to be Cellblock 12. This is the spot where every ghost-hunting bro chugs a Monster Energy drink and films themselves with night vision even though they have professional lighting crews. It’s where they say, “Is anyone there who can speak to us?” and then they whip around and say, “What was that?!” even though there was no sound whatsoever.

The stories are typical. People hear mumbling, laughing, and distant voices. Those might be basic but don’t get me wrong; if I heard any of them I’d be sprinting out of that joint like Flo-Jo. 

The freakiest story is about a ghost that sprints and screams down the catwalk, often directly at folks who work for the prison or folks who work for the haunted house that takes place every year. Can you imagine that shit? You’re trying to pay for community college classes by picking up a shift at the haunted house. You got a 40-year-old carnie dressed as a werewolf trying to get you to smoke meth with them after your shift, you got a jabroni in a Flyers jersey threatening to kick your ass if you come near them, and on top of all that you got a screaming banshee trying to rock your body.

Cut and a Shave, 2 Bits

As for me, I saw zero ghosts. I heard zero voices from the beyond. I thought I heard something because as I entered the maximum security/death row block, I forgot I was listening to the audio tour. It was quiet and then a ghostly howl came into my ears in stereo sound. I believe I flinched and got out, “What the fu…” before I realized it was the part of the tour when they addressed the ghost issue. Steve Buscemi, you tricky bastard.

Though no ghosts, I will say that this place legit creeped me out. I’m sure the prison was in better condition when it was operational but I cannot imagine what it felt like when it was filled with prisoners. Even when it was just the two of us in a cell block it felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable. The whole place felt and smelled like a flooded basement whose waters just receded. 

The scariest part was not the ghost stories, but the audio testimonies of former inmates and guards. There are stories of shankings, riots, murder, etc. I’d like to think the American prison system has learned from the mistakes of ESP but I know that’s not true. We are obsessed with jamming as many people into prisons as we can instead of focusing on ways to keep them out. The prison system is the ultimate surrender. It’s an admission that we choose not to do better.

I do not have any answers to solving this problem but the exhibit “Prisons Today” is helping to inform folks about the problem of mass incarceration. The prison does a good job of letting visitors know that this was not a great place. The failures of the prison are on full display. They describe the straight-up torture some inmates would go through. Maybe it’s just me but being dunked in cold water and hung up until ice formed on my skin does not seem like the most rehabilitative method.

Would I Go Back?

Well, I already did. I took my kid to Philadelphia and he was going through an “Al Capone” phase. Some kids go through a dinosaur phase. My kid went through a gangster phase. We checked out the renovated Al Capone cell. He was not impressed with prison life. Job well done, ESP.

If you are in Philadelphia, I would not put it at the top of my list. It is interesting, it is historic, but unless you have a specific interest in haunted stuff, I’d pass until you’ve seen the other highlights. Philadelphia is a rad, energetic city. The couple hours you’d spend wandering around the ESP could be better spent.