The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Traveling During a Pandemic

Don’t do it, asshole!

Wait. Are you one of those people that transports organs for life saving medical procedures? You’re not? Then keep your ass at home.

Listen, I know how much it sucks to have a trip canceled. You look forward to something for so long and it’s a bummer when it falls through. Add the financial commitment you’ve already made and it’s hard to give it up. I straight up had an airline file for bankruptcy less than a week before an international trip. You think an airline filing for bankruptcy gives a shit about paying anyone back? Nahhhhhhh.

Really, there is no point.

I keep getting notifications for cheap flights into cities I know are under quarantine. Sure, $100 is cheap to go Philadelphia but what am I gonna do there? Look at buildings and not eat awesome food because everything is closed?

Even if a city isn’t under quarantine right now that doesn’t mean it won’t be eventually. If a city is not under quarantine it doesn’t mean it’s safe. It means that the government there is lazy as fuck and people are spreading that shit all over completely unchecked. Not only do you run the risk of getting sick, you run the risk of bringing that shit back with you.

And who knows, maybe there’s a little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that is completely free of the virus. You wanna go there don’t you, you selfish prick. You wanna be known as the asshole who brought the virus to a previously disease-free community? You wanna be the shithead who shall not be named in the stories the townsfolk tell their grandchildren? “You see my child, we were free from the burden of disease until the Brads came with their beer pong and chest bumps. We thought only their masculinity was toxic. We were wrong.”

Don’t be Brad.

If you were stuck somewhere and need to get back to your family, by all means. If you were stuck somewhere and need to go see your girlfriend of 2 months, I don’t think so player. She don’t like you like that. Everything will be cool for a couple days then you’re gonna do something stupid like try to get her to watch “Talladega Nights” two days in a row and it all goes to shit. A quarantine rule of thumb is if the self-isolation is supposed to be longer than the time you’ve been dating, you go your separate ways. Facetime, send consensual nudes, write a fucking letter, just keep your ass at home.

Travel is an essential part of my life but I can’t go anywhere if I’m not healthy. It’s time to recalibrate. Take this time to plan your next trip. Do some extensive research about spots you want to visit. Buy a travel book from a local bookstore NOT AMAZON. Call a friend and ask them about their favorite trips. Go on Google Earth and roam the streets of cities you want to visit and places you want to go back to.

The world will not be insane forever and travel will still be possible but probably very different.

Until then stay safe, stay home, and please don’t be an asshole.