Austin…and You Will Know Us By The Trail of Abandoned Scooters
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die of
exposure in a major metropolitan area? If so, go to Austin, TX in August and
you’ll find out real quick. My first trip to Austin was in 2007 for the
National Poetry Slam. Most of the events were in the evening but there were a
few scheduled during the day throughout the festival.
I had mapped out a trip across the Congress St. Bridge to
the club Antone’s for an event that started at 12pm. It was a brutal walk but
manageable. The AC inside was blasting Arctic levels of cold and it made me
forget about the heat. My dumbass should’ve gone back to the hotel but I
decided to be a hipster and checkout a record store that was an additional
half-mile or so away, not realizing that I was now a solid mile from the hotel.
I attempted to walk back in the 2pm sun but the heat was
debilitating. I’m not too proud to say that when the sprinklers in front of a
downtown high rise went off, I dove into the low spraying streams. Another
block down, I entered the lobby of an office building. The security guard just
looked at me, and gave me a nod that said, “It’s cool, you dumbass tourist”. I
bobbed in and out of office buildings, dragged my ass back across the bridge,
and collapsed into the icy embrace of the Hyatt lobby.
When I went back to Austin it was mercifully mid-April.
Though in the days prior to our arrival the weather spiked into the 90’s, we
experienced mid-70’s. This enabled us to do more exploring than the last trip. So here we go:
April in Austin
My girlfriend and I were in town for a wedding in the Hill
Country, about 45 minutes outside of town. We timed it so we would have at
least one full day to explore. We landed in Austin around 10am the day of the
wedding.. We were lucky to fly in with a pack of strangers who were flying
together but who had not booked their tickets together. This was cool because
instead of getting out of their seats, they just shouted shit at each other.
They seemed genuinely excited to be seeing Ludacris on their trip, so much so
that they began to rap his songs poorly to each other.
I love a nice airport and Austin International Airport is
sweet. It’s a newer airport so it’s clean, laid out nice, and they have multiple
coffee options beyond Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts. Plus I once saw a drunk
dude get pulled off a Southwest flight and talk himself right into a police
escort, so the Austin Airport will always have a warm place in my heart.
We couldn’t check into our AirBnB till 3. We were staying in
East Austin so we took a cab to Cuvee Coffee. You can take a Lyft if you want
but the pick up area is in a parking garage and reception sucks. We hopped in
the cab and after tip it was a $20 ride. And yes, we tipped him even though
he’s a Boston sports fan because we are nice people and some people are born
with bad taste.
Cuvee Coffee Bar is in an older industrial type building.
They have an inviting patio to hang out on but a thunderstorm came sweeping
through as we walked up. I recharged after an early and mostly sleepless flight
with a cappuccino and my girlfriend got a black coffee because she is fearless.
If coffee isn’t your thing, you can get loaded on some brewskis or wine. The coffee was good, the Wifi was free and
fast so thumbs up for me.
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| Never forget. |
The thunderstorm flew out almost as quickly as it came in. We
were eager to poke around and came across a scene ripped from a
post-apocalyptic horror movie. Evidently Austin has roughly 45 electric scooter
rental services. They were scattered across the sidewalks, on lawns, and in the
streets. It looked like a scene from Night of the Comet where the people are
disintegrated and all their shit is left lying there. Scooter riders of Austin:
get your shit together.
We walked down 6th St which is a big bar/club
area of the mostly hipster variety. If you were wondering how hipster it is, we
saw not one but multiple food truck parking lots. There were some grimy areas
holding out, but the plethora of mega condos were a sure sign that gentrification
had this area firmly in its grasp. There was a thrift shop, Treasure City
Thrift, holding it down at 7th
and Martinez. I was tempted to by an AYSO Austin jersey then I remembered I do
not need an AYSO jersey.
Without a plan and hours to kill before check-in, we kept
moving west towards downtown. Once you cross the expressway, 6th St
turns into something else entirely. There were dance clubs blasting music into
the street at full volume. Some blasted techno, some blared modern country. It
created a sonic goulash that would definitely taste like shit if you could eat
it. Also it was 11:30am.
There were restaurants that feel like they have to tell you
everything in the name like Smitty’s Pour, Spoon, Knife, Eat, Food Place.
That’s not a real place but you get it. The Museum of the Weird was tempting
but I’ve already blown too much money on bullshit. They have a Voodoo Doughnuts
which I’m sure is fine but I’ll save a trip there till I’m Portland. The Alamo
Draft House seemed like the only sane place in that area.
It was loud, the streets were filling up with motorcycle
racing fans and we wanted to eat. We retreated back into the hipster region in
search of food. We decided on Ah Sing Den mostly because we were too hungry to
chance going any further. It’s named after a famous opium den in London which
doesn’t make much sense in Austin but whatever. The pork baos were good and my
lady enjoyed the cocktails. The décor was old school, Victorian style. It was
nice to look at but it felt I was sitting on a couch you’d find on the front
porch of a frat house.
Operation Breakfast
Tacos
We woke up the day after the wedding ready to eat. I do
enjoy BBQ and if we had more time, I would’ve eaten some. Alas, our time was
short and the priority was finding tacos to shove into our faces. My dude Anis
used to live in East Austin and he suggested a spot called Cherrywood Coffee
House. We mapped it out and it was a 20 minute walk.
The walk was weird. There are a lot of cool, new homes in
Austin. Most of them are very modern and use sheet metal in a way that makes
them look fancy and not like a shed. Juxtaposed next to these homes were older
domiciles with bars on the windows indicating the area’s rougher past. The new
homes have priced out folks who could have lived here a few years ago. A cab
driver told me people pay almost half a million for a tear down lot. That is
fucking bonkers.
My weirdness was ceased by the sudden presence of clouds
carrying the scents of delicious foods. We came upon the source, a taco shop
called “Chilito”. It was at this point we partook in the Austin custom of
stopping for tacos on your way to get tacos. I was wary of the name because Taco Bell used
to sell something called a chilito that gave you diahrea 5 times faster than
any item on the menu and that’s saying a lot. Also my friend Alex told me
chilito was slang for having a small penis. I don’t know if that’s true but Alex
was from Cicero so I trust him. There was a short line at the window which was
fine because it gave us a chance to peruse the menu. With a wide selection of
breakfast tacos, I settled on the Vaquero, a taco with egg, carne asada, and
jack cheese. My girlfriend went for the vegan option.
The tacos were fire. They don’t skip on the portions and the
carne asada was tender as all get out. The real star though was the Ojo Rojo, a
drink that is a mixture of espresso and horchata. I’ve had something similar in
Chicago and I do not understand how this is not a more popular drink. (Edit:
Dark Matter’s Chocolate City Coffee Bar and Bodega sells a horchata latte on
tap and it rules). This is the perfect summer drink if you want feel refreshed
and never sleep again.
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| Cherrywood patio. |
From there we moved up to the Cherrywood Coffee House. This
joint is huge. The inside is massive and they have a large outdoor patio area
because every restaurant in Austin has a large outdoor patio area. I got the
traditional breakfast taco which was good but I should’ve been more adventurous
with my pick. I washed it down with a Topo Chico because the Ojo Rojo had me
proper wired. Even with a children’s string band playing on their small stage,
the setting was relaxing. We just hung out and watched enterprising grackles
swoop from the roof and steal tacos from unsuspecting patrons.
My homegirl Cristin has been living in Austin for a few
years. I had stayed with her back in the day when she lived in Queens and she
did not steer me wrong when it came to food. She picked us up and I was
apprehensive of her restaurant pick. Also, I know it sounds like we were eating
a lot in a short period of time and that’s because we were. We had a single day,
PEOPLE! We were not here to fuck around.
Cristin’s pick was a sushi restaurant called Kura. It’s a
regional chain of Japanese restaurants with the whole conveyor belt delivery system.
I had never experienced the joy of conveyor belt sushi. Joy is an
understatement. Pieces of nigiri, small handrolls, and bowls of vegetables
rotate past your booth for you to take. When you’re done with your plate, you
slip it into a slot on your table and that’s how they charge you. They also
reward your gluttonous behavior by rewarding you with a cartoon at your table.
The only way to help your hero is to keep eating and we did. At the end, a
little dinger went off and we won a prize! A Kura lanyard! To clip things to!
After lunch Cristin took us to one of the raddest bookstores
in the world, Book People. It’s 3 floors packed with the best selection of
books and enough space to have featured readings. My main purpose for visiting
was to see the Write Bloody Publishing display in the poetry section. Write
Bloody put out a couple books I edited and a shitload of Cristin’s books. The
Write Bloody Headquarters were located in Austin for a couple years and Cristin
has kept the connection alive by maintaining the display. I signed the copies
of my books in stock before saying good bye to Cristin.
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| View from pedestrian bridge of not a lake. |
Cristin recommended we enjoy the warm weather down by the
river. I tend to stay away from natural bodies of water because the only rivers
I’ve known will leave you sick and gangrenous.
We crossed the Pfluger pedestrian bridge that spans the
Colorado River. It’s also known as Lady Bird Lake which is bullshit because its
obviously a fucking river. The large number of kayakers and paddle boarders led
me to believe the water was half way decent. On the other side is a massive park area where
millenials frolicked in their Under Armor lycra outfits as they tossed Frisbees
and planned their next Molly score.
But do you know what is far superior to millenials? Fucking dogs, bro.
If you love dogs, this paragraph is for you. If you don’t love dogs, kindly
fuck off. There were big dogs, little dogs, fluffy dogs, skinny dogs all
chasing shit and jumping into the river. It was a canine rumspringa! Dogs would
break free from their owner’s wicked clutches and for a moment, they were their
own masters.
We could have gone the other way to Barton Springs, a natural
spring fed pool. We didn’t have bathing suits and I am easily skeeved out by
public bathing so we skipped it.
Further along the biking and hiking trail you will bump into
a statue of famed blues musician Stevie Ray Vaughn. He was a talented guitarist
but I never liked his music. It’s the kind of blues music that attracts white
accountants and office managers. He played a lot of concerts along the shore so
it was an appropriate place to honor him. Unfortunately the statue looks more
like a Kung Fu era David Carradine.
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| Stevie Ray Shogun |
We went as far as the Congress Ave Bridge. At the right time
of year and at the right time of day you can watch about a million bats take
off en masse to go get some grub. We were too early in the day and season for
all that. We tried to sneak some peaks of the largest urban bat colony but only
saw signs warning dumbasses not to handle bats on the ground.
Against our better judgment, we headed to the South Congress
neighborhood. I remembered this neighborhood as a trendy area with boutique
hotels, cheap food, and cool stores. Ahhhh the wonders of nostalgia. Things
looked good when we came across a parking lot set up with vintage clothes
vendors. One was selling old Van Halen t-shirts. Any idea how much a vintage
Van Halen shirt costs? About $150. That was cool with me because if it was $50
I would’ve been tempted but $150 I was like, “Ha ha. Okay, Fuck you.”
Once you hit the Austin Motel you’re making your way down
the main drag. It was packed with racing enthusiasts getting loaded and working
on their sunburns. Some of the boutique shops I remembered were replaced with
authentic Austin stores like Warby Parker and Madewell. I swore I could hear a
Bonobos store calling my name.
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| but only if they can afford the condo. |
You could get a coffee at Jo’s then get in line with Debbie
from Ohio and her entire family while they wait to get their picture taken in
front of the “I love you so much” graffiti on their wall. For real though, the
iced latte at Jo’s is crazy delicious. The line was really long but I had one
at the airport that was dynamite.
The further south you walk, the less congested and cheesy it
gets. That’s where you’ll find the boutique vintage stores, resale shops, and
oddball stuff. South Congress Books is a well curated used bookstore that is
small but not cluttered. I spent a lot of time perusing their collection of old
concert posters. Parts and Labour offers a welcome alternative to airport souvenirs.
If you like hipster vinyl toys, Monkey See Monkey Do has plenty. If you’re a
shit-kicker looking to kick some shit, Allens Boots has got you. I came this
close to buying a cowboy shirt but then I remembered I wasn’t in a psychobilly
band.
It was time to leave SoCo because the bros were becoming
unhinged and we had a couple more spots to hit.
Art
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| Forever Bicycles |
Most tourists might have their art desires satiated by the
Stevie Ray Vaughn statue but not us. There are art museums in Austin but we
were far away and their hours of operation were uncooperative. We did get lucky
and were able to see an epic public sculpture by Ai Weiwei. I say lucky because
it was gone less than a month after our visit. The sculpture is called “Forever
Bicycles”. It’s a sculpture made out of 1,200 identical bicycles. You could
walk through it and enjoy the illusion of the bikes moving. It was epic, it was
fun, but now its gone. If you find yourself in Austin and have an Ai Weiwei
craving, head to the Sculpture Park at Laguna Gloria and check out his “Iron
Tree Trunk”.
It had been a long day and our dogs were barking. We stopped
to eat at a restaurant/brewery called Lazarus. The place looks cool and there
were dogs running around so that’s pretty much all we needed at that point.
Though I did not indulge in their oddly Biblical craft brews, they had a root
beer on tap which I always appreciate. I can only imagine how annoying this
place will be once all the high end condo developments across the street are
finished and filled with bros with too much money and no consideration of
personal space.
On the Uber ride back to our place we watched the downtown
Austin skyline fade into the background. Leaving the abandoned scooters and
condo developments behind for a more residential experience, I thought to
myself, “I could live in this city.” Then I remembered how much I sweat and how
I want to murder everybody when the weather is over 90 degrees and thought to
myself, “Fuck that.”
Would I go Back?
Most definitely. I feel dumb for not visiting sooner. I
would eat all the tacos, I would eat some of the BBQ, and I would definitely
become best friends with Matthew McConaughy. It’s an easily navigable city but
I might invest in a rental car to go exploring.
Things to Avoid
The Fucking Summer.
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