Ulm, Germany: Let Me Love You
First time to Ulm I had no interest in exploring. I had
taken a long-ish train from Zurich where I had spent the previous few days
walking roughly 10 miles a day throughout Switzerland with my girlfriend. I
tacked on some shows at the end of our trip to say hello to some friends and
return some favors to promoters who had hooked me up in the past.
When the train pulled into the station at Ulm, I could see
the Ulmer Munster, the world’s tallest church. I thought to myself, “Great,
I’ve seen all the sites.” My friend Ko picked me up from the station and we
went straight to the venue for the show. Afterwards, I ate some late-night
falafel with my friends Thomas and Lara and then passed out. I woke up the next
morning in time to eat breakfast at the hotel then get on a train to Munich.
Most of what I saw was a construction site. There were ugly,
modern apartments going up, and it did not seem like the place I’d want to hang
out in. The expectation of visiting a relatively unexplored Munich dwarfed any
concerns over Ulm.
Fast forward a couple years and I found myself on a train
back to Ulm. I was performing with my dude Dan Sullivan. Our trip was mostly
Munich-based with a couple small trips out of town. This time I was going to
give Ulm a chance and in order to do that I needed to do some research.
Ulm is known for a few things besides the big ass church:
it’s the birthplace of Albert Einstein, they have a bread museum, they have the
earliest zoomorphic statue ever found, and they have the world’s most crooked
hotel. Why Ulm isn’t the newest Spring Break hot spot is beyond me.
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| View from Roxy stage |
I mapped out some spots but I wasn’t privy to our timetable
until we arrived in Ulm. To my disappointment, we were getting in late and
leaving early. Again, we went straight from the train station to the show. The
poetry slam at the Roxy is crazy. It’s a 700 seat theatre space and it had been
sold out for weeks. This wasn’t because I was performing, its because Germans
do this crazy thing where they value art.
Afterwards we walked the abandoned streets and through the
construction areas to our modest hotel. Definitely a budget option but it was
clean, had free wifi, and a banger breakfast. It was like the German version of
a Motel 6 only the rooms didn’t smell like cigarettes and there were no meth deals
going down in the room next to mine.
Street by Street,
Block by Block
The plan was to meet with the rest of the poets for
breakfast at 10am and then head to the train station. The museums didn’t open
until 11am so I knew they were out of the question. With that option put to
rest, I focused on other spots spread throughout the city that I could feasibly
visit within a couple hours. I was up at 7am, packed, showered and out the door
by 7:30.
The closest spot to me was a clumsy monument marking the building
in which Einstein was born. I attempted to walk down one street to get there
but it was closed due to construction. Then I tried another route and it too
was blocked by construction. Fine, fuck you then.
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| Farmer Marketing |
Undeterred I made a beeline to the church. The church wasn’t
open but it was Saturday so vendors were setting up for a Farmer’s Market. I am
white and live in the suburbs so it might shock you when I tell you I do not
frequent Farmer’s Markets. There were bread stands with giant loaves that you
could either eat or use to beat the shit out of your enemies. There were
cheeses with various levels of funk. Locals were filling up their sensible
shopping bags with veggies and meats. I had no bags, I had no interest in
bringing mystery sausages back to America, but it was cold and I needed a
coffee. I got a coffee from a stand and perfected my silent nod in agreement to
anything a cashier while giving them a bill I know is much higher than the
actual price.
It was too early to go into the Kunsthalle Weishaupt and
view their collection of modern art including large pieces by Keith Haring,
Jean-Michel Basquiat, and Lichtenstein. I still walked over there because out
front is a large Haring sculpture called “Red Dog for Landois”. Chicago
contains a criminally low amount of Haring work so any chance I get to see one
up close, I’m gonna take it.
Milling around a statue is fun for a while but my time was
limited. Since I wasn’t sure what else Ulm had to offer, I looked it up on
Google Earth before I came. What I do is look up a city and take a look at
where there are clusters of pictures. That is usually a sign that there is
something interesting in that spot. I noticed a spot like that just east of the
museum and headed that way.
Lemme Holler at Your Cobblestone
Once I got away from the city center, I was greeted with
narrow cobblestone streets and medieval remnants. I walked through a small
archway that was carved out of “Butchers Tower”, an almost 100ft tall brick
tower with a heavy lean. I emerged on a path that ran along the Danube River.
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| Butchers Tower |
Do you want to know how I know I’m getting old? One of my
favorite things to do is walk along rivers. Big rivers, small rivers, famous
rivers, etc. If your city has an area with fast-moving water, I want to walk
adjacent to it.
The sun was out but it was by no means warm. It was maybe
mid-40’s but these Germans were acting like it was high 70’s. Folks were
jogging up and down the path. There were multiple rowboats in the river. Like
Olympic style were you go really, really fast and have no fun. I saw fluffy,
white dogs and their non-fluffy, white owners strolling about. I walked along
between the river and the medieval wall admiring the graffiti along the banks
on the opposite side of the river. The ducks were chilling, eating garbage and
whatnot, and I entered another archway blasted into the wall.
When I emerged on the other side I was thrown into an old
fishing village from the 1500’s. There is a small canal that cuts through this
area and the houses are piled up next to each other along it. These are timber
homes built to house the spike in fisherman, tanners, and Hungarians waiting to
make the trip back home. When you cross the stone bridges that connect each
side of the canal you can see some of the homes were built directly in the
middle of the canal. Those houses are rad and I’d like to stay in one for maybe
a week but the thought of actually living in them makes me twitchy enough to
think I’d sleep in a life preserver.
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| Crooked-Ass Hotel |
Further down the canal is a rickety ass chalet looking
building that leans uncomfortably over the canal. I took a picture of it and
didn’t find out until breakfast that the building is called Schhiefes Haus aka
“The Most Crooked Hotel in the World” according to Guinness. It for real looks
like its sinking into the canal. I have been assured the hotel has adjusted the
furniture so the beds lay flat. If this hotel were in Chicago, the owner would
have to be paying mega bribes to keep the city from shutting it down.
The shops and restaurants were all closed, I took enough
pictures, so I left because I didn’t want to creep out the early rising
residents of Ulm. I moved on to the last item on my list, a bizarre and ugly
tribute to Einstein.
The Einstein Fountain is indeed ugly. It’s a snail shell placed on top
of a rocket with Einstein’s face sticking out from the shell. Einstein’s face
looks decent, all wide-eyed with his tongue sticking out. The sculptor Jürgen
Goertz made it and was trying to make a satirical statement about man’s quest
to conquer nature but ended up just creating a shitty statue. Luckily, it’s
shitty the same way “The Room” is a shitty movie: I know it’s shit but I still
gotta see it.
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| Einstein Fountain |
The Einstein Fountain was on the opposite side of the city
from my hotel. I intentionally stayed away from the church to take in fresh
sites on the way back. On the north end of the city center, I came across
another piece of the old medieval wall that surrounded the city. On top of this
section of wall are small homes called “Rampart Houses”.
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| Rampart House From Above |
I haven’t been able to find out much about these homes
because they aren’t mentioned much when you look them up. From what I could
gather, the homes were built in between 1610-1634 when war was close to Ulm.
Whether they were built to protect the citizens or to house more soldiers, I’m
not too sure. What I can tell you is that they are very cool. It’s like a
mini-city atop a city. The homes are well kept and a footpath out front
connects them. They are accessible by walking up ramps just wide enough for a
car if you need to drop off something big. The backsides of these homes look
straight down the wall. Now that I think of it, probably a fire hazard but
that’s a small price to pay for living on a fucking castle wall!
I took some pictures of the houses from up top and down
below. This is where I made a Russian friend. After taking a picture from the
street opposite the wall, my Russian friend pulled his BMW to the curb and
called out to me in German. I told him I only spoke English to which he
replied, “I’m Russian. My friend, my friend, why do you take pictures, my
friend?” I don’t know what I said exactly but something along the lines of
being a tourist while pointing at the wall. “Is it me?” he yelled. I was super
confused so he elaborated. “Is it me for photo? Are the pictures for me?” he
said with a very nervous look on his face.
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| Rampart House From Below |
I thought to myself why would I take pictures for this dude
I never met? Then I understood he thought I was taking pictures of him, not for
him. Now his look of nervousness was bordering on paranoia and I don’t know if
you’ve ever had a large Russian man give you a look like that but it’s not
super awesome.
“No, no, no, not for you,” I responded, “Castles. I really
love castles.”
If reading that seems stupid, imagine how I felt when those
words left my mouth. Luckily, that seemed to soothe my Russian friend. His face
got less tense and his bulging eyes reset themselves in their sockets.
“Castles? Yes my friend, I love castles too. Have a good day, my friend,” and
with that he waved, gave his horn a toot-toot and drove off into the Ulm
morning.
With that, I skedaddled back to the hotel before I could
make any more friends.
Back at the hotel, I grabbed my backpack and joined my
fellow travellers for breakfast. This was not your ordinary continental buffet.
There was fresh meat, fresh cheese, a frickin’ waffle maker, fruit, oatmeal,
etc. It’s also where I fell in love with a machine. They had a coffee machine
that could make cappuccinos, lattes, mochas, macchiatos, better than Starbucks.
I am not proud of how much coffee I drank but let’s just say I had no trouble
staying awake on the train ride back to Munich.
Speaking of the train ride back to Munich, I made another
friend. This dude was roughly 7ft tall, wasted, and heading to the Bayern
Munich game with his mates. It was noon. The game was at 7pm. Surprisingly, he
loved America. Specifically, he loved 7-11’s and Miami. I was bracing myself
for a 2 hour train ride and being forced to talk to this dude the whole way
when he mercifully passed out in his seat.
I looked back at Ulm as the top of the cathedral faded into
the countryside. With nothing but rolling hills and woods between Ulm and
Munich I thought to myself, “Damn, I would’ve loved to see that fucking Bread
Museum.”
Would I Go Back?
Yes. Would I book a trip specifically to go to Ulm? Probably
not, but it’s worth a day trip if you’re in Munich or Augsburg. Maybe stop off
for an afternoon on your way to Frankfurt.
How Do I Get There?
There are trains leaving from Munich HBF every half hour or
so.
What to Avoid
Paranoid Russians, drunk Germans.
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