Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Why Have I Forsaken You?

“Milwaukee is basically Chicago with like, you know, fucking half the population. All the same stuff, all the same great views, without the traffic. I love it.”- Bill Burr

I got a thing for small Midwest cities. Most things are cheaper, the people are more relaxed and there is an obscene amount of parking. All these things are true about Milwaukee and I had been neglecting it for far too long.

I went to Milwaukee one time when I was a kid. The only thing I remember was drinking a Squirt and my older brother telling me I’d explode if I burped. This led to an epic tantrum that went down forever in my family history. I am labeled as the overdramatic little shit while my psychopath brother comes off as gem. Fuck that dude.

I didn’t go back until I was 21 when the band I screamed for played in a shitty basement somewhere near Marquette University, then later to feature at a poetry slam. Both times I arrived just in time to set up, get onstage, then dip, leaving the (insert name of most famous Milwaukee skyscraper) receding into the horizon as I hurried back to my mostly cheeseless existence.

This ignorance must be rectified. Milwaukee: let’s party.

Somebody say party?

I’m going to warn you all right now: I didn’t have a car so I was mostly in and around downtown. Sorry I couldn’t make it to your favorite neighborhood deli with the best sauerkraut and deviled egg sandwich. Maybe next time.

From Chicago it’s an hour and a half ride on the Amtrak Hiawatha line. There are a few trains going back and forth every day and most of the cars were half full. I’d still book tickets online because I’m paranoid like that. Round trip is $50.

You could take the Greyhound. It’s cheaper than Amtrak and they have buses coming and going all day. You know what else Greyhound has? A bunch of tweakers who reek of pot. You know what else they have? Security guards that will try to kick you off the bus because they think you are the one that reeks of pot. This man tried to kick me off and I threw a righteous fit. I made his homeboy go back on the bus and see if it smelled like the lawn seats at an Allman Brothers Band concert. He found the culprit. I swear to you, if you lined up everyone on that bus and asked me who was holding, I would have picked this woman. She looked liked the person at the rave who would hug the speaker. I was vindicated of the accusations but still, fuck Greyhound.

The Milwaukee main station is walking distance to downtown. It’s also directly across the street from the old Ambrosia Chocolate Factory where Jeffrey Dahmer plied his tried as a mixer while he wasn’t storing body parts in his freezer (don’t worry kids: more Dahmer to come!). Connected to that building is Stone Creek Coffee. Milwaukee has fully embraced fancy ass coffee shops and I’m a fancy man so that rules for me.

Stone Creek Coffee

 The Stone Creek Coffee at 422 N. 5^th St is the flagship factory where they do all the roasting, barista training, and coffee testing. My iced coffee was delicious and my lady’s black coffee was as well. I tried snapping a few pics of the interior but some egocentric assholes thought I was trying to take pics of them so I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of thinking I gave any shits about them. That is to say Stone Creek has perfected the “hipster loft” vibe.

We could’ve taken a quick cab or Lyft from the train station but the weather was dope and we are patriots so we walked. Something rad about Milwaukee is that their downtown is still filled with old brick buildings. Compared to a city like Chicago that will tear down a historically significant building to put up a slightly larger condo building, Milwaukee looks downright quaint in spots. The area along the river has been built up with parks, walkways, dude-bro bars and restaurants. This is where you will find the statue of the Fonz from Happy Days. I appreciate the kitsch but what’s a boy gotta do to get a Laverne and Shirley statue?

Cross the Milwaukee River and you enter the Third Ward neighborhood. I don’t know Milwaukee that well but this area seems like the place where people who are not cool go to feel cool. There are art galleries, shops, restaurants and all that but we checked out the Public Market. Imagine Seattle’s Public Market just much smaller and minus fish-bros throwing salmon. You can load up on sausages and cheese for the ride home but we stocked up on a little something called salmon crack at St Paul Fish Company. Salmon crack is like a salmon jerky with a teriyaki glaze. That description is basic as hell but I will crush a half-pound of the salmon crack in 10 minutes.

I'm a great photographer

There are some gems sprinkled throughout the Third Ward. Holey Moley Donuts is one of them. It’s a deluxe donut spot with a spread of brightly colored, and delicious treats. They have a bunch of vegan options as well. A Lemon-Blueberry Old Fashioned is just what you need to wash down copious amounts of salmon crack.

Across the street is a kinda skate shop called Moda 3. They sell skateboards but its more of a fashion store. Tons of clothes, tons of shoes, and they make their own Milwaukee-centric clothes. I dig it but if you want to go to a skateboard-specific shop you gotta catch a ride to Sky High Skateboards in the Bay View neighborhood, one of the oldest shops in the Midwest.

If you are going to Milwaukee you must go to the MilwaukeeArt Museum (MAM). Before you start dismissing the museum’s quality because you spent a year studying abroad in Paris you smug prick, I know it’s not the Louvre. It’s not the Art Institute. I don’t think it’s close. However, it is still rad and they manage to get some decent exhibitions so shut your mouth.

Walkway to MAM

The MAM rests on the shore of Lake Michigan. Thanks to a 2001 addition courtesy of the Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava, you can’t miss it. It looks like a giant white steel sail that cuts dramatically into the sky. A long ass foot bridge connects it to downtown. Really, the building itself makes it worth the visit. You can go into the café without paying the entry fee if you are an art hating cheapskate.

Their permanent collection might not be filled with the most important paintings ever made but you will find the big names represented. Personally, I like looking at the lesser known works of famous artists. It’s nice to know that even artistic geniuses have a hard time creating club banger after club banger. They have a Kandinsky painting I didn’t know about and Snoop Dogg put out a reggae album I didn’t know about. Does that mean I like them any less as artists? Not at all.

Our timing was perfect because we got to catch the first week of a new exhibition by Chicago artist Rashid Johnson called Hail We Now Sing. I went to art school. I took a lot of art history and art criticism classes but the only thing I can say about this exhibit is, “It’s rad.” Sculpture, collage, paintings, room after room of bangers.

Rashid Johnson

What is one to do after observing artwork for a couple hours? Take a Miller Brewery Tour? Go to a Brewers game? Check out Summer Fest? All of those are viable options but we chose none of them. After all, this is Dahmer country.

Every American my age remembers Dahmer. My family was camping in Colorado Springs when my Dad told us about his capture. There’s nothing like curling up in a sleeping bag in the middle of nowhere with fresh thoughts of a prolific cannibalistic serial killer running through your preteen head.

Dahmer was busted in his apartment amongst pieces of his victims, which is a sure fire way to lose your security deposit. Understandably, they tore down the building.  All that’s left is an empty lot. It’s not much to see.

Murder Hotel

From there we walked a couple blocks to the Ambassador Hotel. It’s across the street from The Rave/Eagles Ballroom, a legendary music venue. The hotel itself is worth a visit. It’s been refurbished and this includes the bar and restaurant attached to the lobby. It’s very art deco and posh but not douchey because this is Milwaukee.

The Ambassador is also the hotel where Dahmer murdered his second victim. Why do I know this? I know this because my girlfriend went through what I call “a serial killer phase”. For a few months my Netflix queue recommended serial killer docs and my coffee table was littered with books by investigators or survivors. There’s nothing like having your 5 year old hold up a book about the Zodiac Killer and asking you to read it to him.

Some hotels go through great pains to hide their sordid past. No, you cannot go to the Chelsea Hotel and stay in the room where Sid Vicious killed Nancy Spungen. The Ambassador though, they like to party. The murder room is still there and based on some bizarre blog entries you can stay in it. If you are a real wacko, you can stay there on Dahmer’s birthday, or death day, or the anniversary of the murder and… I don’t know…play Ouija board and cry a lot?

What else is there left to do after so much serial killing? If you’re me, you get more iced coffee. Colectivo Coffee has a few shops scattered throughout Milwaukee and now Chicago. I’ve been to a bunch of them but the Foundry location is my favorite. It’s in Walker’s Point near the confluence of the Milwaukee and Menomonee Rivers. Why do I like it? I don’t know exactly. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done there and it’s less crowded than the other spots so I guess that’s why. Anodyne Coffee is a few blocks away and they are great but I didn’t feel like walking anymore.

Do you wanna know why Milwaukee is so rad? We unwittingly were visiting the first day of Summer Fest. This is a huge multi-day concert on the lake that features headliners of many genres from Dave Matthews Band to Lil Uzi Vert. It is one of the largest and relatively cheap music fests in the US. But guess what? We would have never known were it not for the news playing on the television during lunch. There were no glitter clad clusters of teenagers looking forward to seeing J. Cole and finding recreational drugs. Chicago turns into a shit show during Lollapalooza (see here). Milwaukee is chill at all times. Maybe not but I was downtown all day and caught not a whiff of weed from Third World fans.

Walking back to the train that evening I realized that everything Bill Burr said about Milwaukee is true. Maybe not the views but I’ll trade a lack of skyscrapers for mobs of Cubs fans any day. 

Would I Go Back?

I plan on visiting Milwaukee no less than 3 times a year. It’s easy to get to, there’s not much traffic, and it’s not expensive. Trust me: there’s been a number of occasions when I considered taking the train up, going to get salmon crack, and coming right home. Drink coffee, eat a bunch of meat, see art, go to a brewery or whatever. It’s all rad.

Avoid:

The fucking Greyhound.