The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Making Travel Less Horrible and Embarrassing
I know the traveler I want to be. I want to be the guy in a
sensible sports coat, carrying a brief case that can fit easily under the chair
or in the overhead compartment yet is still capable of containing a lap top, a
tablet, a bottle of whiskey, a vase, and a full length mirror. All of his devices are fully charged, his gin
and tonic is always half full, and he falls asleep immediately after closing
his out of print hardcover biography about the father of Romanian botany.
After a trans-Atlantic flight his clothes show no sign of
wrinkles, his hair not even slightly tousled. There is no panic upon his exit.
He does not frantically pat himself down for his wallet or passport. He is
refreshed, focused, and struts off the plane confident in his purpose.
He is indeed the traveler I want to be. This, however, is
who I am:
I’m the guy smacking everyone sitting on the aisle in the
head with my backpack and carry-on duffle bag, both filled past the point of
decency because I’m convinced any checked baggage will be lost. The duffle bag
will fit perfectly in the overhead but the backpack will be smashed under the
seat in front of me, effectively eliminating any hope for legroom.
I’m also the guy sweating profusely. This is for a couple
reasons. The first reason being I sprinted from the parking lot to get in the
security line even though I arrived at the airport 18 hours before my flight.
The second reason being the amount of clothing I’m wearing. Remember those bags
I packed so tightly? Well, I still couldn’t pack it all in. That’s why I’m
wearing everything else. I’m wearing so many layers that I look and move like
the little brother in A Christmas Story. If I’m traveling in October or
November I could very likely be clad in a t-shirt under a thermal under a long
sleeve shirt under a hoodie under a jean jacket under a winter coat under a
sleeping bag I cut arm and head holes into.
No shit, TSA pulled me off to the side because the amount of
lower back sweat I was rocking was deemed “suspicious”.
Once I’m safely ensconced in my seat I’ll shed my sweat sacks
and pile them into a lumpy mass I will later use as a pillow. Usually I will be
in the window seat because I like it when everyone in the row knows I gotta
take a leak. I will hope against hope that no one will sit next to me. An open
seat creates the illusion that I might sleep on the plane. In reality, the only
type of sleep I’ll get is in 2 minute spurts over the course of a couple hours
that will make the flight seem impossibly long and leave me more crazed and
sleep deprived then if I stayed awake the whole time. If I’m really desperate,
I’ll unfold the food tray and put my head on it. This is cool because, sleep or
no sleep, my spine will feel like it’s about to snap for 5-8 days.
I will be at my groggiest and most confused when it’s time
to get off the plane. Everything will be spilling out of my pockets. My
passport will fall out of the passport holder I bought specifically because it
has 3 levels of zippers that make it impossible for a passport to fall out. I
will not notice the missing passport until I’ve already walked halfway down the
aisle so I get to wait like a creep while the entire plane disembarks.
Upon entering the airport I will whip my head around like a
time traveler from a bygone era unable to comprehend the technological gadgetry
that surrounds me. I will probably walk in the wrong direction. If there is no
one to meet me at the airport I will take a look at the public transportation
maps, have a panic attack, and drop dead.
You see? I’m a goddamn mess. I’ve clicked on every article
titled, “5 Travel Hacks for Your Carry On Luggage” or “This Guy Never Drools
All Over The Person Sitting Next to Him: You Can Too!” These articles are
useless. “Show Up to The Airport Early” is not a hack, my dude. Neither is,
“Pack Light”. That’s obvious shit that I obviously do not adhere to.
I shouldn’t be giving anyone advice but if you are as
pathetic as me, these this might help.
Tips to Make Travel
Less Horrible and Embarrassing
1) TSA MOTHERFUCKING
PRECHECK- I’m gonna marry TSA PreCheck. I’m gonna write poetry for TSA
PreCheck. If I ever publish a book I’m gonna dedicate it to TSA PreCheck. When
I see the PreCheck symbol printed on my boarding pass I feel like the fanciest
boy who has ever lived. I strut past the regular security like I’m Henry Hill
in Goodfellas sneaking into the Copacabana.
Yeah, it’s $85 but it’s for 5 years. If you fly domestic
more than once a year it is worth it. Not only do you get to skip the lines,
you don’t have to take your shoes off and expose the airport to your funk. No
zipping and unzipping and repacking to take out your laptop and toiletries. If
this is as close as I get to being a baller, I’m okay with it.
PreCheck is for domestic travel only. There are
international options but I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about
that so go ask Google.
2) Be Real: You Ain’t
Working Out on This Trip- We all have the best of intentions. We pack our
running shoes, our jump ropes, our Lycra pants, etc. We envision waking up in
our hostels or Comfort Inns before daybreak to log a couple miles before the
day begins. Fuck that. I don’t even do that when I’m at home. If I’m out of the
country, I’ll be walking around all day anyway and if I’m in the States I’m
sleeping in a bed that has zero chance of my son jumping in it at 6:30 am. I’m
milking that shit for all its worth. I accept that I will not work out and I
have a much happier experience.
The only time I’ll pack work out stuff is if I’ve committed
to a checked bag. Once I’ve decided I’m checking a bag I’ll throw in
everything: workout clothes, boxing gloves, heavy bag, whatever. I still won’t
use them though. Those items will languish on the bottom of my bag under cases
of the local chocolate I’m smuggling back to Illinois.
You’re not a professional athlete. Your personal trainer
gave up on you months ago and is only in this relationship for the money. You’ve
been saying that you’re prepping for a marathon for 6 years now. I don’t think
a couple days off are going to impact your time.
3) If you’re 19 and 2
Burly Dudes Whose Combined Weight is on the Wrong Side of 500 Pounds Approach
You on Bourbon St and Ask You If You Want to Go Down to the Docks and Smoke a
Joint, Don’t Do It.
That’s about it.
4) Stick With Me
Here….Spandex Underwear- Spandex or a spandex/cotton hybrid is my underwear
of choice. I might cheat on TSA Precheck with a pair of spandex boxer briefs.
They are rad because they are comfortable and they make you feel like you are
fighting in the UFC or about to do Cross Fit.
I’m a notorious over packer. My rule of thumb is to bring
one more set of clothes than days I’ll be away. This means tons of t-shirts,
socks, and underwear. Now I only bring 3 pairs of underwear no matter how long
the trip. I’ll wash them in the sink or
shower with some liquid soap, mat them dry with a towel, and hang them to dry.
Unless your taint is a wretched hellhole or you are prone to shitting your
pants, this method works all the time.
5) Low-Fi or Die-
I love technology but I don’t trust it. I’ve had too many phones stop working
when I needed them most, had too many batteries decide to up and die, etc.
Although I would say smart phones are magic, have a back up. There is a small
notebook in the top pocket of my travel bag. It’s the kind of notebook shitty
poets keep in their back pocket just in case they get inspired. All I do with
that notebook is write down flight numbers, reservation numbers, contact info,
and any other necessary details. Instead of fishing through my phone and
wasting my data, I take out the notebook and I’m good.
6) Visit Places
Assuming You’ll Come Back- I usually travel with limited time. While this
is way more rad than not travelling at all, I leave cities mostly unexplored.
Since I’m short on time I’ll do a bunch of research before hand to familiarize
myself with the area I’ll be staying so I don’t waste time. I’ll Google Earth
it, do street view if it’s available, and get a feel for the place. If you got
that Travel Guide money, go buy one but they won’t be able to tell you anything
that can’t be found online. Look at a map, calculate distances, estimate how
long it will take to get from place to place, and find out what you really, really want to
see then prioritize everything else around it.
Last Spring I had a few hours in Philadelphia before I had
to fly home. I wanted to see the Philadelphia Art Museum and the Liberty Bell.
They are on opposite sides of the city. I could’ve taken a Lyft from one to the
other but it would’ve taken a lot of the little time I had. I chose the Art
Museum because A) The fucking Rocky steps and B) there were other things to see
on the way.
I never got to see the Liberty Bell but I always say, “Next
trip”. I know that is a very non-YOLO perspective to take but it allows me to
enjoy what’s in front of me and gives me an excuse to come back. It allows me
to kill my tourist darlings till the next trip.
7) In General, Don’t
Be an Asshole- I’m not perfect. There could be a gang of orphaned children
of Dickensian origin panhandling outside of Gate B and I’ll still rush past
them to make my boarding. However, I do my best to not get mad unless I have
to.
Airports are filled with monsters who are looking for
something to freak out about. Whether it be overpriced water, delayed flights,
or confiscated cheese there will always be opportunities to act like a horrible
person. You know what? Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Everyone else
is either trying to get home or escape. Your complaints are irrelevant. Do you
think the flight attendant is going to make the captain forgo the safety
inspection so you can make your connecting flight? Do you think the person at
the gate is going to lose sleep at night knowing that you missed your flight
because you’re sorry ass showed up to the gate too late? Leave them alone. Shit
happens. Go eat some Chili’s and chill out.
If you’re in another country, learn how to say, “please” and
“thank you”.
If you’re gonna be on a plane with kids try not wearing your
Cannibal Corpse, Deicide or MAGA shirt.
And finally but most importantly: DON’T STAND THE FUCK UP
WHEN THE AIRPLANE LANDS AND TRY TO WEASEL YOUR WAY TO THE FRONT UNLESS YOU ARE
ON FIRE, YOU SELF-ABSORBED PRICK! If this happens, I suggest everyone on the
plane creates a gauntlet and are able to smack the offender in the junk with
all carry on items.
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