Luzern, Switzerland: March 2016

If I die having never climbed a mountain, I will consider it a life well lived. I don’t get the attraction. I do love me some mountains, I just have no desire to ascend them in a manner that requires oxygen tanks, ropes, or Sherpas. I’m more of a “chilling at base camp” kid of guy. This is why I love Luzern. Their slogan should be “Come Look at Pretty Shit Without Doing Shit”.

Poetry has brought me to this Alpine city a few times. The first time was only for a day trip during the Christmas Market season. Christmas Markets are dope because I can eat pretzels and watch my friends get drunk on alcoholic tea at 2 in the afternoon. The second time was for the Woerdz Festival but us poets stayed outside of town and couldn’t do much except for what we were paid to do which is fair.

This last trip was also for poetry but I made sure to fly in a day early to do some exploring. This was also a rare trip where I didn’t travel alone. I was accompanied  by my lady and her friend who are both teachers on Spring Break. I convinced them to come by telling them Luzern is the Cancun of Switzerland.

 After a seemingly endless layover in Copenhagen where a barista straight up lied to me about the availability of iced mocha, we landed in Zurich around 8pm. Luzern is a 50 minute train ride from Zurich and you can catch a train easily for about $30. This is also the time you will realize that Switzerland is expensive as shit. The prices for soda, candy, and food is similar to that of an airport.

My friend Andre picked us up at the train station in his Mercedes convertible which sounds fancy till you realize it’s a 2-door and you gotta fit 4 people in it. With bags stacked using Tetris precision, we drove off to Andre’s flat. Like I said, Switzerland is expensive but you can work around that. If you don’t have a Swiss homey to crash with, the Air BNB game is strong.

We ate a late dinner, hung out for a bit, then passed out hard. The important thing is that we went to bed when the Swiss went to bed so when we woke up the jet lag wasn’t so bad.

When we got to Luzern it was dark and that’s why waking up that morning was the best. When you step outside you can see the snow capped Alps, smell the pine trees, feel the breeze blowing off Lake Luzern, and imagine the gallons of cheese and chocolate you shall consume by this time tomorrow.

I was performing at Andre’s venue Loge in downtown Luzern that night and he lived outside the main part of town so I packed up everything I would need for the whole day. All that means is I had a backpack with a folder filled with poems and a charger.

We started the day at the edge of Lake Luzern across from the Old Town. The swans roll deep in Luzern and they don’t give a fuck about your feelings. If you leave a sandwich lying around you’re gonna get got.

Luzern graffiti is out of control

Old Town Luzern is stereotypical pretty Euro shit. Narrow, cobblestone streets? Check. Fanciful fountains? Indeed. Packs of selfie-stick wielding tour groups? Boy howdy. Luzern is compact and walkable. I wanted to knock out some of the must-see spots early to get away from the crowds. The first site is the Weeping Lion statue. I can guarantee you will see people taking pics with their iPads. The statue is carved directly into the face of a cliff. It’s a lion that has a spear broken off in its side that is weeping on a shield as it dies. It sounds depressing because it is. It’s like watching Mufasa die in slow motion. Also it’s free. Right next to it is a tiny geological museum if you are into boring shit. I am not.

From there we climbed up. Luzern is flanked by hills and houses are built into their sides. There are sets of stairs and sidewalks that help you gradually navigate your way up. If you keep climbing up you will reach the Musegg Towers. There are nine towers that stick out from the 13^th century wall that protected Luzern from invaders.

We could see people walking on the wall but had no idea how to get up there so we kept walking along and bumped into some Scottish Highland ox chilling in a pen. They have long hair and look like the love child of a steer and Owen Wilson. They got bangs, yo. You’re welcome to pet them but if they are feeling you, they’ll try to lick you with their black tongues. I’m not too proud to say that I jumped back when that beast opened its mouth. Looked like a Kraken was trying to crawl out and pull me in. (Side Note: I got really nervous on my flight home when the U.S. Customs form asked me if I came in contact with any farm animals.)

At the base of a tower is a staircase that descends into a dark abyss. This would be scary in Chicago but nothing is scary in Switzerland. Turns out, this is how you get on the wall. A series of much steeper steps take you to the top but once you get there you got views for days.

View from the top

Peering through the slots designed for archers gave me a real Game of Thrones vibe just without the dragons or incest. The sky was cloudy but we still had clear views of Mt Pilatus. Take an Instagram picture of the Old Town and the river, post it, and wait for your trifling friends to hate on you for living your best life.

You can find many purveyors of fine Swiss chocolate in Luzern. You can easily spend $40 on a small box of chocolates if you’re fancy. We are not fancy so our next stop was the Coop grocery store. Coop and Migros stores are all over Switzerland and are rad even though they close early. This is where we stocked up on hella chocolate. There are a ton of varieties and a lot of them are cheap. I used up most of my backpack space for Ragusa chocolates. Ragusas are little pieces of nougat, stuffed with hazelnuts, then covered in milk, dark, or white chocolate. They are fucking excellent. Maybe not the white chocolate. I never tried them because white chocolate is for people who say, “Oh sugar” instead of “Oh shit”.

Chapel Bridge

This brought us to the second must see sight of Luzern: Chapel Bridge. Chapel Bridge is a long, wooden, covered bridge dating back to the 14^thcentury that crosses over the Ruess River. Under the sloped roof are a bunch of triangular paintings showing scenes from local history and lore. The bridge was restored after most of it was burned down in 1993. Chapel Bridge connects with the Water Tower, a medieval tower that sits in the middle of the river. Now it’s home to a gift shop so you can buy something shitty for someone you don’t care about.

We crossed the bridge into the newer part of town that has a couple blocks of boutique shops and restaurants before it gets considerably busier. It was time for lunch and it seems like the closer you are to the river, the more expensive your meal will be. We ate lunch outside of a café because that’s what you do in Europe. In the tourist areas almost everyone in the service industry speaks English. I always ask if they speak English because they can’t always see my tattoo of George Washington riding a bald eagle across the Delaware River that covers my back. English menus are common or look it up on Google Translate or just ask for a recommendation.

There was considerable dicking around in and out of shops in this area. There is a skate shop but it’s more for the long board and low rider bike riding set. There is however a dope comic/graffiti store called Co-Mix (https://www.co-mix.ch) near the Spreuer Bridge. It’s tiny and jammed with comics, graphic novels, and toys. In the back room they sell spray paint and caps along with old 45’s that deserve a good look-see. This is the kind of shop that I would go to in my late teens to find rave fliers.

Chicago Over Everything

One of the places I had yet to visit on previous trips was the Rosengart Museum (http://www.rosengart.ch/en/).  The museum is an old bank that was converted into a small museum to display the art collection of Angelo Rosengart who was very, very rich even by Swiss standards. If you like Picasso, you gotta go here. If you don’t like Picasso, still go but walk around with your arms folded across your chest and scoff loudly.

Most of the museum is dedicated to Picasso paintings that the Rosengarts collected during their “friendship” with Picasso. I say “friendship” because they talk about being friends with Picasso so much it comes off as insecure. I’m sure Picasso would be friends with anyone who was willing to spend the thousands and thousands of dollars the Rosengarts spent on the 35 paintings displayed.

The paintings are mostly from his later period. None of the paintings are his club bangers, but they fill in some of the gaps. If Picasso was Ja Rule, you wouldn’t find “Put It On Me” or “Always on Time”. You’d have to settle for some deep cuts like “I Cry” or “Worldwide Gangster”.

The bottom floor has over a 100 small drawings and water colors by Paul Klee. This was my favorite part. A lot of experimental drafts and sketches along with some larger more complete pieces. It made me want to hop a train to Bern to see the Paul Klee Museum but that would have to wait for another trip.

We emerged from the museum with more culture than the yogurt selection at Whole Foods. The sun was shining and our dogs were barking. Jet lag was nipping at us so back to the lakefront. Next to the train station is the KKL building. It’s the most modern looking building in the city and also one of the biggest. It houses the Museum of Modern Art but we were thoroughly arted out. The KKL occupies prime lake front territory and there are plenty of  benches and areas to chill out. Enjoy watching the tour boats coming and going along with the packs of Swiss teens in white jeans smoking cigarettes.

Bros doing bro shit

The show that night was at The Loge (www.logeluzern.com), a small storefront theatre that is ground zero for the Luzern poetry slam and live lit scene.  The plan was to make our way to the venue and stop off at a Migros or Coop for some food. After getting lost in a wasteland of train tracks and MMA schools, we made it to a park near the Loge. We stopped and watched dudes get very serious about a chess game using oversized pieces. There was also a dude in very short shorts giving challengers the business on permanent ping pong tables. Did you know that such things existed? Like, concrete ping pong tables? Like, BYO paddles and balls? America is lagging.

We were so amazed by such technological advancements that we didn’t realize all the stores were closed.  I put my hand on the front window of a darkened Migros and watched my reflection as a single tear rolled down my cheek. Then I remembered the 36 pounds of chocolate in my bag and realized I’d be okay.

Outside the Loge we met up with the other performers that night, Nicolette Kretz and Hazel Brugger. We performed in a show together back in 2015 for the Woerdz Festival. Our show was a mix of 3 Swiss poets and 3 American poets. For the Loge, we were performing a truncated, 3 –piece version of that show. The 3 of us retreated to the alley behind the Loge to rehearse.

Outside Loge

When we came out of the alley, there was a line down the block of well dressed Swiss waiting to get in.  Like I said, it’s small. Maybe 50 people could fit comfortably. By show time it was standing room only. It reminded me of the older DIY spots in Chicago that would keep piling people in if they were willing to pay the cover. Andre runs it like a DIY space but a super well organized, smartly funded DIY space.

The show was great. The newspaper wrote a glowing review for it which is ridiculous considering our only rehearsal was in the alley 20 minutes before the show. The only down side is a dude in the crowd told me I pronounced Lubeck wrong. When I asked a friend from Lubeck about it, he assured me that I said it fine and that dude was a douche.

Hazel was off to Bern for another show and the rest of us moved over to the restaurant Helvetia to celebrate a job well done.  Andre told me to order the weiner schnitzel. I was presented with a massive plate of fried meat that made my cholesterol spike on sight. It was good, but then they brought out another plate of the exact same thing because that’s how the Swiss roll I guess.

I don’t drink and it finally paid off because I was able to drive Andre’s Mercedes home through the streets of Luzern. Imagine a version The Fast and the Furious where the driver is white knuckling the steering wheel as he navigates the streets of a foreign city. Also imagine that the driver is  riding the brake and never reaches the speed limit and that will give you an idea of how well I did.

I took a look at the silhouette of Mt Pilatus that stuck out in the cloudless moonlit night. It spoke to me. It said, “Come on, Tim. Take a climb and challenge yourself.  You can accomplish anything.” I thought about it. Then I reached into my pocket, pulled out a half-eaten Ragusa and said, “Nah” as I popped the rest of it in my mouth.

Would I Go Back?

I should slap myself for asking such a stupid question. It’s a rad, self-contained city with easy access to other cities and natural wonders. I’d try to find an Air BNB in town for a few days.

Avoid:

The coffee shop in the Copenhagen Airport. They lie.