Richmond, Virginia- July 2015

Richmond Floodgates/Zombie keeper outers

I didn’t plan on exploring Richmond. The plan was to fly in, meet up with my co-presenters and haul ass to Old Dominion University to run a camp for kids. I landed in Richmond around 9am to a text letting me know that my ride wasn’t going to be there till 4pm. Shitting myself to death courtesy of the lime chicken entrée at the airport Applebee’s didn’t sound promising so I decided to hop in a cab and try my luck. I had 7 hours to milk Richmond for all it was worth.

My first mistake was not paying attention to where the cab was taking me. I gave him what I thought were directions to a spot downtown. I then buried my head in my phone and began furiously Googling places to see.

Here’s what I knew about Richmond: Civil War. The bulk of my childhood family vacations was spent wandering deserted battlefields or exploring weed choked cemeteries looking for the graves of obscure Union commanders with my Dad. I knew Richmond was the capital of the Confederacy and they still celebrated their “heritage” with statues and monuments dedicated to the Confederate elite. I imagined streets full of women in hoop skirts and Kid Rock albums blaring from an endless parade of pickup trucks.

As the cabbie swiped my debit card I looked around at a desolate streetscape filled with empty warehouses. I asked him if he was sure this was the address and he assured me it was. I knew he was either full of shit or Richmond had turned into the set of a post-apocalyptic grindhouse film.

Turns out my dude was full of shit. Southern hospitality my ass. He dropped me off in the warehouse district along the James River. I turned a corner and could see the downtown skyscrapers a mile away. I thought about getting another cab but I imagined this one ending up in a Deliverance scenario so I hoofed it. My target was a skate shop called Venue Skateboards all the way across town. The map on my phone suggested a route along the river that would take me past a bunch of historical looking shit.

Where joggers go to die

Along the river is a trail that runs underneath a railroad viaduct which leads directly downtown.  There were plenty of folks jogging with shirts of 5K’s past to make me believe I was heading towards civilization. The first tourist stop I spotted was the Virginia Holocaust Museum. I didn’t go in. I would have but I was in more of a “drinking iced coffee” mood and not a “crying about the horrors of mankind” mood.

My path veered under the expressway and I switched over to the Canal Walk. It was pretty as shit. It’s the kind of spot that dude you met on OK Cupid would suggest going to after Red Lobster. He might even suggest taking a ride on a tiny ass boat if the thirst was real.

First super dope thing I saw was a batch of murals. I recognized one as a POSE right off the bat and the rest of the work was rad too. So far, Dope Mural Sightings: 1, Confederate Flag Sightings: 0.

POSE mural

The sun was heating up and I felt a severe need for air conditioning. I was stuck in a wasteland of corporate headquarters and inaccessible skyscrapers. The next public spot was the American Civil War Museum at the Tredegar Iron Works. Just before I got there I spotted a sandy patch of shore where the water from the James River gathered in shallow pools. It was also where teenagers who didn’t know how to conceal their weed smoking gathered. I took off my shoes, my socks, set down my bags and waded into the water like a hippie but the water was cold and you don’t know my life. Across the river I could see Belle Island. It’s a party spot with swimming holes and rapids and trees that looked awesome. It made me realize that these stoners near me were super fucking lazy. I thought about going over the pedestrian bridge to the island but nobody wants to see a lone 30 something year old creeping along the riverbanks as they frolic in the rapids.

I was eager to take off before the teenagers asked me to buy them booze so I crossed the street into Tredegar Iron Works. My main goal was to pick up a brochure to give my Dad but I actually like Civil War history. The most famous object there wasn’t even there during the Civil War. It’s a statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting on a bench with his son Tad. Abe came to visit Richmond after the Union whooped that ass. When the statue was announced a bunch of butt hurt Confederate sympathizers protested but it was built anyway so chalk up another L for the Confederacy.

Venue Skate Shop was still far off but I was making good time. I walked along the wall of Hollywood Cemetery into a shady residential neighborhood. Hollywood Cemetery is the final resting place of Jefferson Davis, first and only president of the Confederacy. I thought that might make a good spot to take a leak but I didn’t feel like wandering around in a cemetery in 90 plus degree heat.

Past blocks of dilapidated houses complete with cats giving me the “What the fuck you staring at?” look, I made it to Cary St. All I had to do at this point was to walk forever down this street and I’d find the shop. 

These are the times that try a man’s spirit. I was hot, I was tired, and my sweat combined with the accumulated funk of a packed 6am Southwest flight was telling me to abandon my expedition. Or at least get in a cab.

I did neither.

Instead, I found a corner store that had a plethora of beef jerky and bottles of iced coffee. Refueled with ample caffeine and nitrates, I set back off on that lonely road.

Here’s what’s super rad about Richmond: murals. All along Cary St there are murals covering the sides of buildings created by some of the best in the game. This is thanks to the Richmond Mural Project (www.richmondmuralproject.squarespace.com) who started with the goal to create 100 murals in 5 years. I don’t know if they succeeded but they sure put up a shit ton of them. Walking down Cary St was like walking through a giant art gallery that had no air conditioning.

Angry Woebots on Cary St

A few blocks in I could get the sense that I was entering the hipster paradise of Richmond. Straight razor barber shop? Check. Overpriced designer toys? Check. Old school movie theatre showing second run movies? Check.

            At last, I reached the promised land. Venue Skate Shop is dope and here’s why: its run by skaters. You can always tell when a skate shop is run by non skaters because the dudes working there will go out of their way to call you “bro” or will talk about the X games as if they matter. They’ll have a wide selection of shitty boards by corporate brands that try to look edgy. They’ll also have a wall dedicated solely to long boards. Venue had a big selection of everything you’d want . The dude behind the counter had a sweet Venue shirt on but I didn’t see any for sale. Seeing the disappointment on my face when he informed me they were sold out, he told me to hold on and he rushed into the back. When he emerged, he was holding a shirt for one of the shop riders. He gave it to me, refused to take any money, and therefore it is the greatest shop alive.

Feeling accomplished, I grabbed a surprisingly delicious slice of pizza from across the street and waited for a cab. The cab picked me up and the route back to the airport went down Monument Ave. I caught a glimpse of the statue for Stonewall Jackson. I like Stonewall Jackson because he got killed by his own dumbass soldiers. We turned off before I could see the rest.

Halfway to the airport the cabbie yelled, “You got cash, right?” I barely heard him because he was going 70 down the highway with every widow down. I didn’t have any cash which is why I specifically asked if they took cards when I called for the cab. He told me it wasn’t a problem. It wasn’t  a problem because he pulled over into a gas station and had me run in to an ATM while he kept the meter going.

Would I go back?

Most definitely. Richmond is a solid 3-day city. It has a decent mix of modern, historic, and recreation. I had the feeling as I walked through neighborhoods that there was a ton of cool stuff lurking around every corner.

Avoid: downtown, cabs