Second and Below

  Before the end times were upon us, I was walking around Copenhagen with my friend Peter. Peter grew up in Copenhagen and he knew I liked old stuff. He pointed out his university and informed me that when he was attending they celebrated their 800th birthday. For someone like myself who loves old cities, that’s a flex. I’m a sucker for a cobblestone street or a cafe with paneling made from a kind of oak that has long gone extinct. Narrow walkways, gas lamps, gimme all that shit.  Why do I like old cities? Because I grew up next to Chicago and nothing is allowed to get old in Chicago. The mayors have torn down countless historic buildings like chubby, little Godzillas in 3 piece suits. Developers are transforming classic brick facades into modernist abominations best described as “gentrification chic”. Shit, they couldn’t even leave the Chicago River alone. They looked at it and were like, “Naw son, let’s make it go the other way.” Add in the fact that Chicago is a relatively young cit

  Life is hard. The amount of bullshit most folks deal with on the daily is ridiculous. You’ve got shitty coworkers, a boss who thinks sick days are a privilege, your back hurts, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of Dodge. Most folks are stuck with a measly 2 weeks. So why in the name of all things holy would you want to squander it by doing amateur stunt work? Vacations are for lying around, eating food, seeing cool things, and sleeping late. Vacations are not for thrill-seeking. You already do that every day when you text while driving or cut off a conceal and carry nut job looking for a reason.  Allow me to show you why your favorite thrill-seeking activities are actually the dumbest things you could do and you should feel shame for wanting to do them. Skydiving - Mankind has spent centuries trying to fly. From kites to gliders to hot air balloons to whatever the fuck it was DaVinci threw together, humans have tried everything to get up in the air and stay there. They jumpe

  Hey y’all. This one is different. My friend Shappy Seasholtz died on March 19, 2022. Shappy was a poet, comedian, and raconteur of the highest degree. I have been struggling with what I wanted to say about him because he meant so many things to so many people. I decided to focus on my favorite night with Shappy. I was in New York to perform at the Bowery Poetry Club. I was staying with Shappy and Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz in their apartment which was full of an overwhelming cache of pop culture memorabilia. Shappy took me out this night, my first real night of exploring NYC in my entire life. I hope you enjoy.  Shappy forever. Shappy's Guide to the Lower East Side, Fall 2009 Cristin could not go out because she worked like a real adult. I too, had to wake up early for a gig on the Upper East Side but I was an out-of-towner eager to take in the sites. Cristin made Shappy promise to get me home at a reasonable time and also made him promise not to get too drunk. Shappy promised to o

     I have been very open with how I feel about Lollapalooza: it fucking sucks. The only thing that sucks more than the festival is their bullshit health pledge to keep people safe in the middle of a pandemic. This is all about money, it has always been about money, and I can only imagine how many thousands of folks are going to get sick because of it. I wrote this piece a few years back for a Chicago Public Radio event at the Park West. Some of the references are a bit outdated (Mumford and Sons, thank God) and the only thing I updated was the name of the mayor.  Shout out to Drunk In A Midnight Choir (RIP) who originally published it. The sentiment remains strong, pandemic or no pandemic.       Please get vaccinated if you have not already so we can start going back to festivals the way God intended: without Limp Bizkit. The Summer of My Discontent         Every August, a plague descends upon the city of Chicago. A plague so wretched, so sickening, so disease-ridden that parts of do

Don’t do it, asshole! Wait. Are you one of those people that transports organs for life saving medical procedures? You’re not? Then keep your ass at home. Listen, I know how much it sucks to have a trip canceled. You look forward to something for so long and it’s a bummer when it falls through. Add the financial commitment you’ve already made and it’s hard to give it up. I straight up had an airline file for bankruptcy less than a week before an international trip. You think an airline filing for bankruptcy gives a shit about paying anyone back? Nahhhhhhh. Really, there is no point. I keep getting notifications for cheap flights into cities I know are under quarantine. Sure, $100 is cheap to go Philadelphia but what am I gonna do there? Look at buildings and not eat awesome food because everything is closed? Even if a city isn’t under quarantine right now that doesn’t mean it won’t be eventually. If a city is not under quarantine it doesn’t mean it’s safe. It